Cricket...cricket...

Today I went to the UM library to return all the books I still had. Then I went into the Liberal Arts building to drop off thank you notes to my professors, because, you know, I believe in handwritten thank you notes. After that I stood in the dark hallway, breathing deeply the musty air, the smell of floor wax and sneakers and books and knowledge. Listened to the humming of the AC that never worked. Walked down the three flights of stairs that have killed my quads every day for the last three semesters (especially running up in heels when you're already five minutes late). And then I stepped outside in the heat and light and blinked and was a little bit sad.

On Saturday I graduated from the University of Montana with a BA in Communication Studies (I'm looking for a job, by the way...hint, hint). It was a huge deal for me. It has taken so much work, so much time, so much brain capacity that all I want to do now is read trashy romance novels and watch horrible reality TV.

I couldn't have done it without T-dawg who has watched the kids a lot, especially the last couple months when there was no sleep and deadline upon deadline and not enough coffee and chocolate in the world to make things happen. Thank you, you are the best wasband I could ever wish for, and whether or not people get that we are still friends, I don't care. But I do care about you, and I am so grateful you care about my dreams and have helped me make this happen.

And I couldn't have done it without my girls who have been way more patient than any little kid should have to be with mommy spending hours on the computer every day doing homework. This last semester sucked for them, and I am as glad as they are that it's over. Now, we are catching up on stories and outings and big breakfasts and silly songs and unhurried walks and talks....lots of talks.

My good friends, close by and far away have been amazing. They have cheered me, kicked my a$$, given me pep talks, generously distributed hugs and chocolate, watched my kids, and celebrated graduation with me. How fortunate I am to have you in my life.

My family, in Germany and the States, who have kept me in their thoughts and prayers, who have called to wish me well, sent letters and cards and emails to check on me and cheer me on. My mom who thinks I'm the best things since sliced bread (seriously, every one needs a person like that in their life and I am fortunate it is the one through whom I came to this planet). Words are inadequate to express my love and gratitude.

The thing is, I haven't done this on my own, and I'm well aware of it and I hope I have shown gratitude to all of the wonderful human beings in my life who have poured out blessings upon blessings over my head.

For the UM communication studies department there were two student speakers, one graduate and one undergraduate. I was the latter. No, I'm not the valedictorian. As a matter of fact, I ordered the wrong color honor cord and walked with a gold cord (high honors), when the program said I only graduated with honors (silver cord). Basically, I gave my speech bragging about a GPA I didn't quite make. Oops. My bad.

The reason I got to speak was that I showed up for the annual commencement speaker competition held by the Comm Studies faculty, and since I was the only one who showed up, I got the part. Sweet deal. I'm actually not sure if I was the only one, because I had all the kids with me and begged them to let me go first so I could leave with the squirmy monkeys. Anyway...what I'm saying is, it's a good analogy to my life. I'm usually not the best, or the smartest, but I put in the effort, I do the work, I get the job done, I follow through, I have a great attitude. And sometimes all I do is show up. I make up in sweat what I lack in talent. Works for me.

Soooo, I got to give a 5 minute speech. The reason I even chose to enter the speech competition was that I have been pissed off, enraged, horrified, disgusted and shocked by the recently investigated sexual assault epidemic on the UM campus. I know this is not just an issue in Missoula. However, an investigation by former Supreme Court Justice Diane Barz has shown that there were gaps in reporting by UM staff, the campus was labeled "rape tolerant" in the report, the Missoula PD as well as first responders engaged in victim blaming and shaming, and now UM and the Missoula PD are under federal investigation. It is a big deal. And I didn't want to sit through commencement listening to some meaningless fluff about how everything is just so fucking great. Yes, it's a time to celebrate. Yes, it's a time to praise achievement. It's a time for families and friends. A time to reminisce and remember. BUT it is not a time to dismiss, to pretend, to cover up, to make believe and to deny that there were individuals among us who have suffered horror at the hands of other students and who still made it to that day and walked tall and proud and got their degree against all odds. So, I decided to address the assaults in my speech.

I figured there would be some uncomfortable shifting in seats, some eye rolling, some "I can't believe she's going there." My professors loved the speech. My friends loved the speech. My family loved the speech. The audience...not so much. A few have asked me to publish the text of the speech, so here it is for your reading (dis)pleasure:

Commencement Speech

The University of Montana, May 12, 2012

Now that we are at the end of this journey, a different speaker might say that tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives; that our future is full of promise and excitement, that we will go and do great things, change the course of history, even save the planet! We are the generation of future leaders putting an end to global warming, world hunger, poverty, and war.

All that would sound great and make us feel special for a while, but the truth is, when we wake up tomorrow, we’re probably not going to feel any different. We are still going to be roughly the same person we are today. Graduating from college will not magically give us superpowers to achieve all these things expected of us. The pressure to succeed and achieve might still seem overwhelming at times. One person can’t do it all, but each one of us can do something. In the words of Theodore Roosevelt: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

Life is messy. People are flawed. What I wish for all of us isn’t eternal sunshine and rainbows, but the ability to deal with life’s challenges. I wish for us that we will build lasting, fulfilling relationships with the people in our lives. I wish for us that we will be kind and gentle with ourselves and the people we come in contact with. I wish for us that we will be good stewards over this beautiful earth that sustains us. I wish for us that we will find our passion, our calling, what makes us tick, and what allows us to make a difference in our respective areas of influence.

While we are stepping out into the unknown, without a guarantee to succeed or find happiness, we can still take these steps confidently, prepared with knowledge and surrounded by friends and family. We can go, knowing that we need to make life happen, create the environment we want to live in, and work consciously to contribute to the betterment of ourselves, our families, our community, and ultimately our world.

None of us are leading charmed lives, although compared to the rest of the world we are so very fortunate. We live in a country of excess. However, while pursuing our education, all of us have struggled along the way. Whether it has been our first time away from home, navigating a disability while pursuing our education, dealing with chronic illness, suffering the loss of a loved one, struggling financially, or juggling a family and kids while going to school, it probably hasn’t been easy for any of us.

Aside from our personal issues, the University of Montana has had a difficult year. The investigation of numerous sexual assaults on and off campus committed by and against students has deeply horrified and saddened us. As the communication department we have struggled with how to address this complex issue sensitively and productively. At times we have been successful; at times our efforts have failed. Most importantly, we must keep trying, we must keep fostering an open dialogue, and we must keep listening to each other. So, to the individuals who have come forward and shared their painful experiences: We salute your courage. We affirm your worth. And we stand with you. Whether we stay in Missoula or make our lives elsewhere, we have been taught an essential lesson through your stories. This is our community: what hurts one of us, hurts all of us. We must allow ourselves to be in the uncomfortably raw space where growth happens, and where we can come together to make our communities safer, happier and healthier places for all of us.

For me personally, the past few weeks have often felt like the last two miles of a marathon, where I have wanted to throw in the towel and give up. For most of us, there have been periods of intense physical and mental exhaustion. But despite the barriers in our way, despite our personal and public struggles, despite the late nights and early mornings, the scrambling for deadlines, the frantic cramming, the obscene amounts of coffee and chocolate consumed, we have finally made it to this day. To all of us I say, well done! We are here, because we didn’t give up, because we were persistent, because we had a goal, and we accomplished it. And yet, we didn’t do it on our own. Sure, some lectures make you think watching paint dry must be exhilarating in comparison, but overall the Communication Studies Department has assembled a fantastic faculty who have consistently inspired us with their passion and knowledge. For their excellence, we are grateful.

We share this day –in person or in spirit- with many family members and friends, loved ones who have supported us and cheered us on (with the occasional and much needed kick in the behind). We could not have done it without you, and we acknowledge thankfully that much of the credit for our success belongs to you.

I will close with a quote by Max Ehrmann: “Whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

"SlutWalk" comes to Missoula!

The Women's Resource Center (WRC) at the University of Montana is hosting the very first SlutWalk 

Saturday, April 14th 2012, 12 noon at the Grizzly bear statue at the Oval on campus

From there we will march to the court house for a rally. Check out the WRC on Facebook for more information.

Come join us this Saturday for Missoula's first SlutWalk:

• Dress however you want (the point is to assert that dress never invites rape, whether you come in a bikini or sweat pants)
• Bring signs (tell everyone how you feel about victim blaming)
• Bring friends (get the word out and open the dialogue with your peers) 

Joining SlutWalk doesn't mean you consider yourself a slut. It means that you protest the idea that women who are sexual assault survivors are "sluts" and were raped because of dressing or behaving in a way that invited sexual assault. Nobody deserves rape. Nobody "has it coming." Nobody "is asking for it."

Why you should care, if you're a woman:

• 1 in 5 female college students are victims of sexual assault
• the UM campus has been labeled "rape tolerant" and 11 cases of sexual assault have come to light in the past 18 months alone
• you should be able to wear what you want and walk where you want without fear of being victimized

Why you should care, if you're a man:

• chances are at least some of the women in your life (your mother, sister, friend, girlfriend, daughter) have been victims of rape and sexual assault
• you can be a strong ally by taking a stand against rape and victim blaming
• men are victims of rape too

About SlutWalk

Heather Jarvis, a queer feminist activist and survivor of sexual assault founded “SlutWalk” in Toronto, Canada in early 2011, after a police officer remarked that “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized.” Jarvis organized the first SlutWalk to speak out against victim blaming. SlutWalk has become a global movement and is now coming to Missoula. For more information visit http://www.slutwalktoronto.com/

 

How to get involved with the Women's Resource Center:

Anyone interested in discussing issues of gender and equality or wanting to connect with a network of like-minded people is welcome and encouraged to attend the weekly meetings, Wednesday from 6-7pm in UC 210. For more information, call outreach coordinator Emilie Loran at (406) 243-4153 or stop by the office in UC 210.

Rape jokes

“Whoa, this conversation is starting to feel a little rape-y!” A few students chuckle. I look over at the lanky, brown-haired boy sitting across the class room from me, grinning. The debate had gotten heated in our class on consumption and climate as we were discussing how to “green” the university. A girl chimes in: “UM is experiencing an identity crisis. What do we want to be known for? Being the green campus or the rape campus?” More laughter. I stare at the cuss words scratched and inked into the old wooden desk. There is that moment of silence. My heart pounding, blood rushing. I should say something. Anything. But I don’t. The moment passes. The professor redirects the conversation, and I am left with the bitter taste of unsaid words in my mouth.

Over the last 18 months the University of Montana has been slowly uncovering case upon case of sexual assaults on campus, committed by and against students. Former Montana Supreme Court Justice Diane Barz had been charged with leading an official investigation that exposed nine incidents of sexual assault. As a result, she labeled UM a “rape tolerant” campus (Barz, 2012). Since then another two assaults have been reported; the alleged perpetrator has fled the country. UM officials, first responders, the athletic department, as well as the Missoula Police Department have come under scrutiny regarding the treatment of victims and perpetrators, communication among each other, with the student body, and the Missoula community. Community forums and campus forums about the assaults have attempted to explain and justify UM’s course of action, or lack thereof.

“Research funded by the U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 1 out of 5 college women will be sexually assaulted” (Shapiro, 2010). Every two minutes a rape occurs in the US, and female college students are four times more likely than any other group to be the victim of such assaults (Bennett et al, 2009). With the addition of rape being a consistently and significantly underreported crime (2009), it is simple statistics that you and I not only know rape victims personally, or have been affected ourselves, but also know perpetrators. Victims and perpetrators are among our friends, our relatives, our classmates, our co-workers, our superiors, members of our families and communities. Our lack of sensitive and productive communication about rape sends a message to victims and perpetrators alike. A message of shame. A message of dismissal. A message of indifference. A message of, dare I say it, encouragement of such crimes as normal, excusable, expectable, and tolerable. 

This is an indication of a rape culture replete with harmful rape myths that foster such messages. Rape myths “deny or minimize victim injury or blame the victims for their own victimization’’ (Carmody & Washington, 2001, p. 424, as quoted in Bennett et al, 2010). This might come in the form of putting the responsibility of the rape on women, because supposedly they were asking for it through their dress or demeanor, were not resisting the rape strongly enough, were promiscuous, meant yes when they said no, were at fault because they were drunk, or were even making up the allegations because of personal vendettas.

The sexual assaults on the UM campus are marked by certain factors research has shown to be associated with college date rapes: the involvement of athletic teams or fraternities, and alcohol.

First, consider the involvement of athletic teams or fraternities. “Although rape myths are a social and cultural phenomenon that exists beyond the college campus, research suggests that athletics and fraternal organizations, replete on college campuses, are related to stronger rape-supportive attitudes, based on such myths” (Bleecker & Murnen, 2005; Sanday, 2007, as quoted in Bennett et al, 2010). Another reason men’s athletics can be a breeding ground for rape culture is the fact they are “sex-segregated”, and athletes “involved in a college sport, particularly men, gain prestige from being physically dominating” (Crosset, Benedict, & McDonald, 1995).

Second, consider the involvement of alcohol. Alcohol abuse is rampant in colleges across America, and with 78.8 percent of participants of one study admitting that they were under the influence of alcohol at the time of a sexual assault, it is a deciding risk factor (Benson, Gohm & Gross, 2007, as quoted in Bennett et al, 2010). However, as previously discussed, alcohol abuse is often part of the rape myth that blames women for getting drunk and making themselves vulnerable to assault, rather than accusing men of getting drunk and losing control. Women are often cautioned to not accept drinks from others, drink only in moderation, stay with trusted friends, and be aware of potentially compromising situations. While this is all good advice, it places the responsibility of preventing rape on the potential victims, rather than the potential perpetrators. 

I have not heard anyone cautioning men to drink moderately in order to stay in control of themselves, or be discouraged from drugging and raping a woman, or staying with trusted friends who would keep them from attempting a rape. The very fact these suggestions seem silly to our ears is proof that we feel victims are responsible for what does or does not happen to them. “In other words, if an individual takes responsibility for the preparation to avoid date rape, then, by default, that individual must take the blame if rape occurs” (Bennett et al, 2010). This also suggests men cannot be held accountable for their actions, especially if the victim was supposedly asking for it, tempted them or teased them. Our culture often makes men out to be sex-crazed animals that can only resist for so long. Once that line is crossed, there is no turning back and they cannot be held responsible for satisfying their urges.

Until we openly admit that we are part of the problem as participants in this rape culture, we cannot become part of the solution.

Two days later at the next class session my hands are as cold as my cheeks are hot. My mouth is dry and my brain seems incapable of formulating a coherent thought. There is no reason for me to say something now. But I must. My professor grants me permission to speak, and I shakily face the class. Frantically searching for words -any words- in my empty mind, I look at their faces. What if one of them is a victim? What if one of them is a perpetrator? And so I let the words come. I acknowledge humor can help us cope in agonizing situations, but that it mustn’t be used to casually dismiss someone’s pain by drawing faulty analogies. The most heated discussion will never feel anything like being raped. Ever. No matter how environmentally sustainable our campus might be in the future, it will never balance, minimize, or blot out the horror experienced by students at the hands of other students. The room is silent. Some shift in their seats, some nod, some look down at their hands. I sit down and wait. Slowly, others speak up, and the room exhales. 

As I walk to my next class, a girl calls out my name. I turn and she runs up to me, beaming: “Thank you for saying something.”